Is that a stone? Can I crawl under it?

[londonronnie]

Families are funny things.

When I was researching my mother's family - ten or more years ago now - she told me the somewhat complicated story of her eldest sister, who had married and had three children and then subsequently married for a second time and palmed her three children off onto various relatives. Her son from the second marriage then grew up thinking that his half-siblings were either his cousins or, in the case of his eldest half-sister, his aunt.

When I was drawing up the family tree my mother assured me that this was all now water under the bridge and was common knowledge within the family, and that all the parties concerned were fully aware of the facts. Consequently I published the family tree, distributed amongst interested family members and thought no more about it.

Tonight JD and I have spent a few hours in the company of my cousin Peter, child of that second marriage of my eldest aunt, and I have tonight discovered that until he caught sight of that family tree - drawn up by me - he had absolutely no idea that his "aunt" was actually his half-sister, or that his "cousin" (also his closest friend since boyhood) was in fact his half-brother.

I feel absolutely wretched. I've always been so bloody careful not to bring potentially embarrassing facts to the notice of those concerned. For example, I went to great pains to ensure that my 96 year old uncle wouldn't find out from me that his parents were married only five months before his birth because, let's face it, that sort of thing could quite easily be pretty devastating to someone of his generation.

I apologised profusely to my cousin, of course, that he should have discovered the truth in this way. He assured me that he did need to know the truth, and actually said that he was grateful to me for finally bringing everything out into the open, because he'd known for years that there was some secret that he couldn't get to the bottom of. His wife, on the other hand, did confess that he'd "had the rug pulled out from under him" when he read that family tree.

I do feel that my cousin needed to be aware of his true background, but I don't think that this was the best way for him to find out, regardless of what he's said to me. I can't even begin to imagine what he felt like when he made that discovery.

To be honest, I just feel like crawling into a hole somewhere.

Families. Who'd have 'em?

Comments

[towerbridge2006.livejournal.com]

*hugs* It's not your fault. You had the best of intentions.

[londonronnie.livejournal.com]

Thanks m'dear. Having mulled the whole thing over during today I don't feel quite as bad now.

[agentxpndble.livejournal.com]

:::HUGS::: While I'm all for tact and respecting people's feelings/wishes when it comes to genealogy work, I'm also from a branch of the tree that doesn't have secrets like this and am hard pressed to feel too supportive of upholding the trend. I have, myself, once or twice put my foot in it and feel for you.

But try and concentrate on the fact that he was grateful for this and thanked you. Some of the most moving moments I've had were when I'd found a lost cousin and gave them the profound family connection/answers they had craved their whole lives. They felt crazy and less than whole but were at a loss to explain why. I'll gladly hurt a few feelings and throw a couple of treasured skeletons in the rubbish heap for their sake.

[agentxpndble.livejournal.com]

PS: To put a smile back on your face and bring you back down to Earth: http://johncastlegallery.com/extras/motivate_families.jpg

[londonronnie.livejournal.com]

That did put a smile on my face! Thank you!

[sc-fossil.livejournal.com]

Your mom said everything was known within the family. How could you know otherwise? And it's a good reason not to have those sorts of secrets. It always comes out eventually. It's best to tell families and/or children the truth earlier rather than later when it feels more like a conspiracy.

I don't think you should feel the least bit guilty over doing your family history but I understand that you do. I hope you don't worry yourself too much over this. It's his parents fault for trying to keep secrets, not yours. You have nothing to feel badly about.

[londonronnie.livejournal.com]

I am feeling a bit better about the whole thing now, thanks. Especially as it occurred to me today that it was my cousin's half-brother (one of the children from the first marriage) who actually showed him the family tree, so he obviously thought it was ok to do so.

Bah! Secrets! What a stupid state of affairs...

[byslantedlight.livejournal.com]

Oh, come out from under that rock! *g* What did you do wrong? You carefully checked that everyone already knew, you believed your mother when she said they did - our default position can't be to assume that people lie to us all the time, after all! And presumably your mum had good reason for believing he'd been told too, so no one's done anything bad here - secrets are tangly things to deal with, it's really down to the person who decides something should be a secret to take everything into account... So... honest, you have no reason to feel bad... and would people have been treated any differently, as half-siblings rather than cousins? It sounds like they were close anyway... Buck up, chuck! *g*

[londonronnie.livejournal.com]

Yes, I know you're right. I'm feeling a bit more philosophical about the whole thing now that I've thought it through a bit more.

Having realised that it was in fact one of my other cousins (one of the half-siblings) who showed cousin Peter the family tree, I'm now wondering if it was looked upon as a good excuse to bring it all out in the open.

[heliophile-oxon.livejournal.com]

You had extremely good reason to believe that everyone knew - even if the news had caused anyone pain it wouldn't have been due to any negligence on your part (as reasonably defined) let alone malice - and happily it didn't anyway; instead you unwittingly did your cousin an important good turn.

I agree that it's almost always better to know anyway. Just a couple of days ago I filled zoic#1 in on some nasty shit that's happened in our family - she's old enough now, and frankly she needs to know the history in case of potential future shit happening(hopefully not). Of course you'd rather your cousin hadn't found out in just the way he did, but you certainly did nothing wrong. No crawling into holes, all right!?

[londonronnie.livejournal.com]

OK! I've now crawled out again! *g*

It's stupid having these secrets in families, isn't it. Pleased to hear that you're keeping your kids in the picture and not keeping things hidden away.

[snailbones.livejournal.com]

Ack - really luv, it's so not your fault. *hugs* You're totally innocent, having tried your best to make sure everyone knew.

This sort of thing has happened over and over again in my dad's family, with people being brought up by aunts, grandparents, and goodness knows who else (like pass the parcel in my blooming family, I tell you!) and without exception it's always better when the truth is out in the open. I don't know how families manage to paint themselves into these sorts of corners, but it happens - it's not your fault that it's come out now - and I'm sure everyone will feel loads better for knowing in the long run. *squishes you again*

[londonronnie.livejournal.com]

Thank you, matey.

I am feeling slightly less guilty today, I must admit. Hopefully it will all turn out for the best in the end.

[mspinto64.livejournal.com]

It's not your fault that this happened as you were told that this information was common knowledge within the family.

My late grandmother and my mother both banned me from researching my family tree and I could tell from their reactions that there is something in the past which they don't want me to know about.

I know it's difficult, but please don't beat yourself up over this.

[londonronnie.livejournal.com]

Thanks m'dear.

Families are strange entities, aren't they? More intrigue than MI5!

[doylebaby.livejournal.com]

Don't blame yourself. You did ask and were told the secret was out.
Of course there are better ways to find out, but he might not ever have known otherwise.

Your aunt is the one who has a lot to answer for and I'm sorry to say, about time too! What a way to behave.

Take a deep breath and don't feel guilty anymore, secrets like that just need to come out.

*hugs*

[londonronnie.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the hugs!

Your aunt is the one who has a lot to answer for and I'm sorry to say, about time too! What a way to behave.

She was a bit of a strange one, I must admit. That wasn't the only secret she had - she was known by another name (that of one of her sisters) by members of her second husband's family, which made it all very confusing for the rest of us! She passed away several years ago, but she certainly left a tangled web behind her!

[charliecochrane.livejournal.com]

*hugs* All families have these sorts of secrets and it's amazing how they come to light at the least opportune moments. (I recently discovered that my dad's parents only married about five months before he was born. You'd never have guessed it from how straight lace my gran was.)

[londonronnie.livejournal.com]

Both my sets of grandparents had their first born within a few months of marriage, as did my husband's! And they were all similarly straightlaced.

There must have been something in the water back then! *g*

[llywela13.livejournal.com]

Oh man, families are indeed funny things - and genealogy can open up all kinds of cans of worms. Particularly when certain past events are open secrets within those families...except for a few key individuals. We've got a few skeletons in the closet in my own family, and I'm never sure who is in on the secret and who isn't - I mean, they appear to be open secrets that everyone knows but don't ever talk about, but because of the not ever talking about it...well, how do you ever know who does or doesn't know?!

This was not your fault. You took precautions to ensure that no bombs would be dropped on anyone. It isn't your fault that the wires got crossed somewhere.

[londonronnie.livejournal.com]

Oh man, families are indeed funny things

Oh my goodness, I think that's a bit of an understatement! It makes life very complicated, doesn't it?

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I am feeling a bit better about the whole thing now.

[nakeisha.livejournal.com]

*Hugs*

It's not your fault - I know you feel awful, but you didn't do it with any malicious intent.

[londonronnie.livejournal.com]

Thank you, m'dear, and thanks for the hugs.

[draycevixen.livejournal.com]

I understand you feeling bad about this petal but it's not your fault. You believed your mum and your cousin says he's glad he knows so it sounds like it turned out to be a good thing anyway.

[londonronnie.livejournal.com]

I'm sure it will all turn out for the best in the long run, despite the initial shock for my cousin.

Apparently his half-sister (whom he believed was his aunt) always used to say to him "It'll all come out one day!" which used to drive him daft. So now he knows what she meant!

[msmoat.livejournal.com]

As others have said, you did everything right! I understand how you feel--you never wanted to be the messenger, and tried so hard not to be--but there it is. Who knew genealogy could be so dangerous? Really, though, it's so much better for him to know, and this way...well, you sort of took the bullet for the family, but in a completely innocent way! Win-win all around! Except for the feeling wretched part. *Hugs* He's grateful, though, and that's a good thing.

[londonronnie.livejournal.com]

Yep, he did go to great lengths to ensure me that he was grateful to have found out what the great secret was (I think he must have seen the look of horror on my face!), so I'm taking some encouragement from that.

Now that I've had a chance to think about it a bit more I'm feeling much happier about the whole thing.

Thanks for the hugs!

[moonlightmead.livejournal.com]

I don't think that this was the best way for him to find out

Seriously, is there a good way to find out? To find that other people know and don't give a damn is surely better than to be taken aside at some family event with a veiled "There is something you... Need To Know..."

If he says he's glad to know, then great!

[londonronnie.livejournal.com]

You're absolutely right, of course. And once I'd taken some time to replay the conversation in my head and realised that he'd said that it was his half-brother (the one he thought was his cousin) who'd passed the family tree on to him, I didn't feel quite so bad.

It'll all turn out for the best in the long run, I'm sure.

[probodie.livejournal.com]

Oh my goodness, what a can of worms. However, dont beat yourself up, you could only act upon what you'd been told, couldnt you?

Dont crawl into a hole, crawl into a pub. Preferably with me *g*

*megahugs*

[londonronnie.livejournal.com]

Dont crawl into a hole, crawl into a pub. Preferably with me *g*


That sounds like an extremely good idea... *g* Roll on December!

And thanks for the megahugs!